“Masc4masc”, “I am only into straight acting guys”, “Not into camp guys”, “I’m not camp; I just really look after my appearance”…
In the gay community, masculinity is somehow considered the only standard of attractiveness. A lot of gay guys that I personally know have at some stage wanted to appear more masculine, because they think this can help them attract more guys. Sports, muscle, ruggedness, toughness, protectiveness, invincibility… These are some of the traits people usually associate with masculinity.
And what about being a bit feminine?
“Eww, gross!” Yeah, you might have been dismissed and judged by a few douches in the past for not being “masc” enough. They might have blocked you on Grindr and called you terrible names. And those unpleasant experiences have somehow made you ashamed, ashamed of your natural personal attributes that make you who you are. And you want to disguise, alter, or hide any parts of them that may be perceived as feminine. No make-up, no glitter, no flailing on the dance floor, no emotional Taylor Swift, and absolutely no lisp when speaking…
You might have heard of this really condescending title “straight-acting” that works as both pejorative and douchy self-proclaimed gay guys who want to separate themselves from “those gays”. Then these self-serving douches attack feminine gay men because they feel as if they are being misrepresented. They don’t want to be gay. They don’t want to be associated with “those gays” that the straight people in their life mocked and denigrated.
With LGBT people constantly being ostracized by the mainstream society, there’s hardly room for a civil war amongst ourselves. It’s such a shame that some of us fight against intolerance but we can’t even tolerate the diversities among ourselves.
Stop living your life each day worrying about how your femininity or masculinity may make you perceived more or less attractive. Because the right person will always be attracted to you – including all the things that make you, you.
Be secure enough with your own masculinity or femininity. Just be who you feel comfortable being, whether masculine or feminine, and own it. How could you ever feel whole, loved, and honored by yourself if you are not even being authentic to yourself? And how could you ever be happy with anyone who doesn’t accept the things that are so intrinsic to who you are?
The last time I was with this Irish guy, he told me: “The very thing I like about you, is that you’re not overly masculine, and you’re not femenine either. You’re just you, Charlie. You’re just being yourself.” I believe we are all a little masculine. I believe we are all a little feminine. I believe allowing all aspects of your being to bloom and breathe is essential and important. As a complete being I can cook delicious Chinese. I can write a computer program. And I can flail my arms up in the air on the dance floor when Taylor Swift comes on. And that’s just what makes me, me.
Why is masculinity glorified so much that some gay guys would lose their own identity to be someone they’re not? In fact, most feminine gay men are actually more confident, empowering and far more brave than these so-called “straight-acting” “masc4masc” gay men. Homosexual men trying to deny their natural femininity is no different than trying to paint over rust. The rust always eventually comes to the surface, and so does the femininity.
Next time I see a gay guy trying to dress like a lumberjack attempting to veil the pitch of his voice I will mourn for him. It must suck to have to work so hard to try to convince strangers you are someone that you’re not.